Todays Note

Co-Dependent Checklist

1- Solving their problems or relieving their pain is the most important thing in my life – no matter what the emotional cost to me.

2- My good feelings depend on approval from them.

3- I protect them from the consequences of their behavior. I lie for them, cover up for them, and never let others say anything bad about them.

4- I try very hard to get them to do things my way.

5- I don’t pay attention to how I feel or what I want. I only care about how they feel and what they want.

6- I will do anything to avoid getting rejected by them.

7- I will do anything to avoid making them angry at me.

8- I experience much more passion in a relationship that is stormy and full of drama.

9- I am a perfectionist and I blame myself for anything that goes wrong.

10- I feel angry, unappreciated, and used a great deal of the time.

11- I pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

12- The struggle to get them to love me dominates my life.

I got this information from the book – Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward. The book goes into much more detail so please read it, if this list applies to you and your life.

Todays Note

When I was on my journey, Co-Dependency was a new word and idea. It still applies. It basically boils down to the concept – if you live with insanity, you have to go a little insane yourself to survive. Once you are out of the insane relationship, you have to look at, identify, and fix all the parts of you that went a little insane to cope. It doesn’t matter what kind of insane person you lived with – actual untreated mental illness, alcohol, drugs, or plain abuse – it’s all a type of insanity. They all leave scars. You have to look at the scars, figure out what is hurt, and fix them. All those kinds of insanity require you to adjust around them being the center of your universe - to be able to live with them. Those adjustments are the scars you have to heal.

Todays Note

Domestic Violence Victim Bill of Rights

 - You have the right NOT to be abused.

  - You have the right to anger over past beatings.

  - You have a right to choose to change the situation.

  - You have a right to freedom from fear of abuse.

  - You have a right to request and expect assistance from police or social agencies.

  - You have a right to share your feelings and not be isolated from others.

  - You have a right to want a better role model of communication for yourself and your children.

  - You have a right to be treated like an adult.

  - You have a right to leave the battering environment.

  - You have a right to privacy.

  - You have a right to express your own thoughts and feelings.

  - You have a right to develop your individual talents and abilities.

  - You have a right to legally prosecute the abusing spouse.

  - You have a right not to be perfect.

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/billrights.shtml

Todays Note

Book I Suggest :

 Toxic Parents - Dr, Susan Forward  (publ. 1989)
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I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. I've been trying to find books that I found helpful when I was on my journey. Of course, this was back in the dinosaur days - so it's hard to find them now.

This is one I found very helpful back then. I hope you can use it now. It is great for someone trying to heal from childhood abuse but anyone recovering can gain a lot from just reading it. It's always helpful to understand how families work.

It's an easy book to read. Some books are like the text books we had in college. (Felt like running through knee - high mud to get through a single page !!). This isn't like that.

Todays Note

If you are recovering from child abuse, remember you can't choose the family you are born into. You CAN choose the family you want in your life as an adult. You can do this by starting a list of relatives you would like to have and the characteristics you would like them to have.

For instance -
Grandmother - bakes cookies, calls you once a week to just check on you, does knitting and other crafts, listens to you,  ...
Grandfather - takes you or your kids fishing, makes things in the backyard shop, fixes little things on your car, gives you advice, .....

Aunts, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, Mother, Father.... whoever you want and whatever kind of person you imagine them to be. It might take 15 different people to meet all the wishes you might have for a single relative on your wish list but that's OK. You are building your family. Your friend "Sue" might bake cookies and share with you. "John" might call you once a week to check on you. You get the general idea.

Check off your list when you find a person to add to your life that fits your wish list. You might be surprised how many wonderful people out there already in your world can fit the bill for a relative - even if it's a small part.

This is a GREAT reason to get out there and meet new people. You never know who's right around the corner - waiting to meet you and be your friend. Just remember to be their friend, too .

Todays Note

One of the fun but hard things to do - after getting out of an abusive relationship - is to figure out who you really are.

This is a nice exercise to start to get to know yourself -

write 100 things you love
write 100 things you like
write 100 things you don't like
write 100 things you hate.

This is only about YOU - not what anyone else thinks or feels.  
Take your time and have fun with it !!!

Todays Note

Depression is a very common problem with someone being abused. This is a personal inventory - which shows how wide-spread depression can be. It's called the "Beck Depression Inventory".

Page 3 of 3

It was at this site.

http://www.orlandocvi.com/documents/BeckDepressionInventory1.pdf

20 

      0 __ I am no more worried about my health than usual

      1 __ I am worried about physical problems like aches, pains, upset stomach or constipation

      2 __ I am very worried about my physical problems and it’s hard to think of much else

      3 __ I am so worried about my physical problems that I cannot think of anything else

21

    0 __  I have not noticed any recent change in my interest in sex

    1 __ I am less interested in sex than I used to be

    2 __ I have almost no interest in sex

    3 __ I have lost interest in sex completely

Now that you have finished the inventory, add up the score for each of the twenty-one questions. Count the number to the left of each question you marked. The highest possible score for the whole inventory is sixty-three. This would mean you circled number three on all twenty-one questions. Since the lowest score possible for each question is zero – the lowest score will be zero. This means you circled zero on each question.

You can evaluate your depression according to the table below.

Total Score ______________

Levels of Depression

1 – 10     These ups and downs are considered  normal

11 – 16    Mild mood disturbances

17- 20      Borderline Clinical Depression

21 – 30     Moderate Depression

31 – 40     Severe Depression

Over 40    Extreme Depression

Take this test a couple of times a week - for a month - to get an average score. A persistent score of 17 or above indicates you might want to consider help with depression.