Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Todays Note

I've been down with a really nasty flu bug. If you feel the start of a virus trying to get you down, take good care of yourself. There are some bad germs out there.


This info came from the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".




Characteristics of a Verbally Abusive Mate may be -

- irritable
- likely to blame you for their outburst or actions
- unpredictable (you never know what may anger them)
- angry
- unable to accept your feelings or views
- unable to express warmth or empathy
- controlling
- silent or uncommunicative
- demanding or argumentative
- seem like a nice person to others
- competitive toward you
- sullen
- jealous
- quick with come-backs or put-downs
- critical
- manipulative
- explosive
- hostile
- unable to express their feelings

this should be a warning list for people who wonder if they are in a bad relationship.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Book I Suggest

The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Patricia Evans

publ - 1996


This book has many things people recoving from abuse need to read and learn. I found it very helpful and educational.

be kind to yourself on your journey.

PS - There have been problems with the image download gizmo at Blogger but they are working on it this afternoon. This is why it's been so long since I posted something. I tried for days to download things and it didn't work. I wish them well on fixing it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Todays Note

Co-Dependent Checklist

1- Solving their problems or relieving their pain is the most important thing in my life – no matter what the emotional cost to me.
2- My good feelings depend on approval from them.
3- I protect them from the consequences of their behavior. I lie for them, cover up for them, and never let others say anything bad about them.
4- I try very hard to get them to do things my way.
5- I don’t pay attention to how I feel or what I want. I only care about how they feel and what they want.
6- I will do anything to avoid getting rejected by them.
7- I will do anything to avoid making them angry at me.
8- I experience much more passion in a relationship that is stormy and full of drama.
9- I am a perfectionist and I blame myself for anything that goes wrong.
10- I feel angry, unappreciated, and used a great deal of the time.
11- I pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.
12- The struggle to get them to love me dominates my life.

I got this information from the book – Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward. The book goes into much more detail so please read it, if this list applies to you and your life.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Todays Note

When I was on my journey, Co-Dependency was a new word and idea. It still applies. It basically boils down to the concept – if you live with insanity, you have to go a little insane yourself to survive. Once you are out of the insane relationship, you have to look at, identify, and fix all the parts of you that went a little insane to cope. It doesn’t matter what kind of insane person you lived with – actual untreated mental illness, alcohol, drugs, or plain abuse – it’s all a type of insanity. They all leave scars. You have to look at the scars, figure out what is hurt, and fix them. All those kinds of insanity require you to adjust around them being the center of your universe - to be able to live with them. Those adjustments are the scars you have to heal.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Todays Note

Domestic Violence Victim Bill of Rights
 - You have the right NOT to be abused.
  - You have the right to anger over past beatings.
  - You have a right to choose to change the situation.
  - You have a right to freedom from fear of abuse.
  - You have a right to request and expect assistance from police or social agencies.
  - You have a right to share your feelings and not be isolated from others.
  - You have a right to want a better role model of communication for yourself and your children.
  - You have a right to be treated like an adult.
  - You have a right to leave the battering environment.
  - You have a right to privacy.
  - You have a right to express your own thoughts and feelings.
  - You have a right to develop your individual talents and abilities.
  - You have a right to legally prosecute the abusing spouse.
  - You have a right not to be perfect.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Todays Note

Book I Suggest :

 Toxic Parents - Dr, Susan Forward  (publ. 1989)
\
I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. I've been trying to find books that I found helpful when I was on my journey. Of course, this was back in the dinosaur days - so it's hard to find them now.

This is one I found very helpful back then. I hope you can use it now. It is great for someone trying to heal from childhood abuse but anyone recovering can gain a lot from just reading it. It's always helpful to understand how families work.

It's an easy book to read. Some books are like the text books we had in college. (Felt like running through knee - high mud to get through a single page !!). This isn't like that.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Todays Note

If you are recovering from child abuse, remember you can't choose the family you are born into. You CAN choose the family you want in your life as an adult. You can do this by starting a list of relatives you would like to have and the characteristics you would like them to have.

For instance -
Grandmother - bakes cookies, calls you once a week to just check on you, does knitting and other crafts, listens to you,  ...
Grandfather - takes you or your kids fishing, makes things in the backyard shop, fixes little things on your car, gives you advice, .....

Aunts, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, Mother, Father.... whoever you want and whatever kind of person you imagine them to be. It might take 15 different people to meet all the wishes you might have for a single relative on your wish list but that's OK. You are building your family. Your friend "Sue" might bake cookies and share with you. "John" might call you once a week to check on you. You get the general idea.

Check off your list when you find a person to add to your life that fits your wish list. You might be surprised how many wonderful people out there already in your world can fit the bill for a relative - even if it's a small part.

This is a GREAT reason to get out there and meet new people. You never know who's right around the corner - waiting to meet you and be your friend. Just remember to be their friend, too .

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Todays Note

One of the fun but hard things to do - after getting out of an abusive relationship - is to figure out who you really are.

This is a nice exercise to start to get to know yourself -

write 100 things you love
write 100 things you like
write 100 things you don't like
write 100 things you hate.

This is only about YOU - not what anyone else thinks or feels.  
Take your time and have fun with it !!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Todays Note

Depression is a very common problem with someone being abused. This is a personal inventory - which shows how wide-spread depression can be. It's called the "Beck Depression Inventory".




Page 3 of 3



It was at this site.

20 
      0 __ I am no more worried about my health than usual
      1 __ I am worried about physical problems like aches, pains, upset stomach or constipation
      2 __ I am very worried about my physical problems and it’s hard to think of much else
      3 __ I am so worried about my physical problems that I cannot think of anything else

21
    0 __  I have not noticed any recent change in my interest in sex
    1 __ I am less interested in sex than I used to be
    2 __ I have almost no interest in sex
    3 __ I have lost interest in sex completely


Now that you have finished the inventory, add up the score for each of the twenty-one questions. Count the number to the left of each question you marked. The highest possible score for the whole inventory is sixty-three. This would mean you circled number three on all twenty-one questions. Since the lowest score possible for each question is zero – the lowest score will be zero. This means you circled zero on each question.

You can evaluate your depression according to the table below.

Total Score ______________

Levels of Depression
1 – 10     These ups and downs are considered  normal
11 – 16    Mild mood disturbances
17- 20      Borderline Clinical Depression
21 – 30     Moderate Depression
31 – 40     Severe Depression
Over 40    Extreme Depression

Take this test a couple of times a week - for a month - to get an average score. A persistent score of 17 or above indicates you might want to consider help with depression.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Todays Note

Depression is a very common problem with someone being abused. This is a personal inventory - which shows how wide-spread depression can be. It's called the "Beck Depression Inventory".
   0  __  I am no more irritated by things than I ever was.
    1 __ I am slightly more irritated now than usual
    2 __ I am quite annoyed or irritated a good deal of the time.
    3 __ I feel irritated all the time.

12 
    0 __ I have not lost interest in other people
    1 __ I am less interested in other people than I used to be
    2 __ I have lost most of my interest in other people.
    3 __ I have lost all my interest in other people.

13
    0 __ I make decisions about as well as I ever could
    1 __ I put off making decisions more than I used to
     2 __ I have greater difficulty in making decisions more than I used to
     3 __ I can’t make decisions at all anymore.

14 
     0 __ I don’t feel that I look any worse than I used to.
     1 __ I am worried that I am looking old or unattractive
      2 __ I feel there are permanent changes in my appearance that make me look unattractive
      3 __ I believe I look ugly

15 
    0 __ I can work about as well as before
    1 __ It takes an extra effort to get started at doing something
    2 __ I have to push myself very hard to do anything
    3 __ I can’t do any work at all

16 
    0 __ I can sleep as well as usual
   1 __ I don’t sleep as well as I used to
    2 __ I wake up 1 – 2 hours earlier than usual and find it hard to get back to sleep
    3 __ I wake up several hours earlier than I used to and cannot get back to sleep

17
   0 __  I don’t get more tired than usual
   1 __ I get tired more easily than I used to
   2  __ I get tired from doing almost anything
   3  __ I am too tired to do anything

18 
     0 __ My appetite is no worse than usual
     1 __ My appetite is not as good as it used to be
     2 __ My appetite is much worse now
     3 __ I have no appetite at all anymore

19 
     0 __ I haven’t lost much weight , if any, lately
     1  __ I have lost more than five pounds
      2 __ I have lost more than ten pounds
      3 __ I have lost more than fifteen pounds.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Todays Note

I have spent a couple of days looking for information on depression, I finally found it - worded exactly as I wanted - to share it with you. It was at this site.
Depression is a very common problem with someone being abused. This is a personal inventory which shows you how wide-spread depression can be. It's called the "Beck Depression Inventory".
Page 1 of 3
This inventory is self-scored. The scale is at the end of the list.

    0 __ I do not feel sad.
    1 __ I feel sad
    2 __ I am sad all the time and I can't snap out of it.
    3 __ I am so sad and unhappy that I can't stand it.


   0 __ I am not particularly discouraged about the future.
   1 __ I feel discouraged about the future.
   2 __ I feel I have nothing to look forward to.
   3 __ I feel the future is hopeless and that things cannot improve.


   0 __ I do not feel like a failure
   1 __ I feel I have failed more than the average person.
   2 __ As I look back on my life, all I can see is a lot of failure.
   3 __ I feel I am a complete failure as a person.


   0 __ I get as much satisfaction out of things as I used to
   1 __ I don't enjoy things the way I used to.
   2 __ I don't get real satisfaction out of anything anymore.
   3 __ I am dissatisfied or bored with everything.

5  
   0 __ I don't feel particularly guilty
   1 __ I feel guilty a good part of the time
   2 __ I feel quite guilty most of the time.
   3 __ I feel guilty all of the time


    0 __ I don't feel I am being punished.
    1 __ I feel I may be punished.
    2 __ I expect to be punished
    3 __ I feel I am being punished.

7  
    0 __ I don't feel disappointed in myself.
    1 __ I am disappointed in myself.
    2 __ I am disgusted with myself.
    3 __ I hate myself.

8
    0 __ I don't feel I am any worse than anybody else.
    1 __ I am critical of myself for my weaknesses or mistakes.
    2 __ I blame myself all the time for my faults.
    3 __ I blame myself for everything bad that happens.

9  
   0 __  I don't have any thoughts of killing myself.
   1 __ I have thoughts of killing myself but I would not carry them out.
    2 __ I would like to kill myself.
    3 __ I would kill myself if I had the chance.

10  
      0 __  I don't cry any more than usual.
      1 __ I cry more than I used to
      2 __ I cry all the time now
      3 __ I used to be able to cry, but now I can't cry, even though I want to.



Sunday, September 19, 2010

Todays Note

Dilemmas In Leaving An Abusive Relationship AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Leaving a violent relationship is not a simple matter. There are many factors that must be weighed carefully, because only the abuser truly can stop the violence,


PHYSICAL

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  S TAY S
Physical injury. He can continue to hit and injure her.
Death. He might kill her or the children.
STDs/HIV. She might have no choice regarding safe-sex
practices. He might sexually assault her.

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  L E AV E S
Physical injury. He might continue to injure her. He also
might be inclined to escalate the violence after she leaves.
Death. Leaving doesn’t ensure that he won’t find her, and it
might increase the chance she or the children will be killed.
STDs/HIV. Unsafe behavior might continue. He might
sexually assault her.

CHILDREN

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  S TAY S
Physical injury or psychological harm. Children can
witness violence, be targets themselves or be hurt trying
to protect others.
Loss of children. He could make false allegations of
child neglect or abuse about her. Failure-to-protect
arguments could be used to remove children or terminate
parental rights.

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  L E AV E S
Physical injury or psychological harm. Children can
witness violence, be targets themselves or be hurt trying
to protect others. They might be at greater risk during
visitation.
Loss of children. He could legally gain custody or just
take the children. He could make false allegations of child
neglect or abuse.

FINANCIAL

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  S TAY S
Standard of living. He might control the money and give
her little to live on. He could lose or quit his job. He might
make her lose or quit her job.
Loss of income/job. He could keep her from working or
limit how much she works. He might sabotage her efforts
to find a job or her success in a job or training program.
Loss of housing. She could be evicted because of
property damage he has done.
Loss of or damage to possessions. He might destroy
things of importance or value to her.

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  L E AV E S
Standard of living. She might now have to live on less
money, relying solely on her own income. She might have
to move out of her home and community.
Loss of income/job. She might have to quit her job and
raise her children as a single parent. He might sabotage
her efforts to find a job or succeed in a training program.
Loss of housing. She might have to move out, leave town
or go into hiding. She might lose her home in a divorce.
Loss of or damage to possessions. He might destroy
things of importance or value to her. She might have to
leave things behind if she flees.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  S TAY S
Physical injury. He might threaten or injure family or
friends, particularly if they try to offer assistance.
Loss of support. They might want her to leave and might
stop supporting her if she stays. They might be afraid of
him or not like him. He might keep her isolated from them.

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  L E AV E S
Physical injury. He might threaten or injure family or
friends, particularly if they try to offer assistance.
Loss of support. They might not want her to leave and
might stop supporting her.

PSYCHOLOGICAL

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  S TAY S
Psychological harm. Verbal, emotional and physical
attacks will continue to affect her.
Substance abuse. She might use drugs or alcohol to help
her cope with the emotional and physical pain.
Suicide. He might threaten or commit suicide.

P O S S I B L E  R I S K S  I F  S H E  L E AV E S
Psychological harm. He might have continued access to
her, particularly if they have children in common.
Substance abuse. She might use drugs or alcohol to help
her cope with her new situation and past abuse.
Suicide. He might threaten or commit suicide.

This information was found at this site -

http://www.mocadsv.org/Resources/CMSResources//pdf/dv101.pdf

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Todays Note

I found this information on this site. The site has a lot more things to read, if you are interested. It words the information well that I would like you to know. It's longer than usual but very helpful. This site uses the female form of pronouns, since the vast majority of people being abused are women, but it happens to men, too.





FOUR TYPES OF ABUSE

Abuse can take on many forms. Some types are more subtle
than others and might never be seen or felt by anyone other than
the woman experiencing the abuse. The abuser uses a combination
of tactics that work to control the victim. The abuse also usually
increases in frequency and severity over time.

PHYSICAL ABUSE
Physical abuse is easier to recognize and understand than
other types of abuse.

It can be indicated when the batterer:

Scratches, bites, grabs or spits at a current or former intimate
partner.
Shakes, shoves, pushes, restrains or throws her.
Twists, slaps, punches, strangles or burns the victim.
Throws objects at her.
Subjects her to reckless driving.
Locks her in or out of the house.
Refuses to help when she’s sick, injured or pregnant,
or withholds medication or treatment.
Withholds food as punishment.
Abuses her at mealtime, which disrupts eating patterns
and can result in malnutrition.
Abuses her at night, which disrupts sleeping patterns
and can result in sleep deprivation.
Attacks her with weapons or kills her.

SEXUAL VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sexual violence and abuse can be extraordinarily difficult for
victims to talk about because of the ways in which this type of
violence often is perpetrated.

Sexual violence or abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Is jealously angry and assumes she will have sex with anyone.
Withholds sex and affection as punishment.
Calls her sexual names.
Pressures her to have sex when she doesn’t want to.
Insists that his partner dress in a more sexual way than she wants.
Coerces sex by manipulation or threats.
Physically forces sex or is sexually violent.
Coerces her into sexual acts that she is uncomfortable with,
such as sex with a third party, physically painful sex, sexual
activity she finds offensive or verbal degradation during sex.
Inflicts injuries that are sex-specific.
Denies the victim contraception or protection against
sexually transmitted diseases.


PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

It is the abuser’s use of physical and sexual force or threats
that gives power to his psychologically abusive acts. Psychological
abuse becomes an effective weapon in controlling a
victim, because she knows through experience that her abuser
will at times back up the threats or taunts with physical assaults.

Psychological abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Breaks promises, doesn’t follow through on agreements
or doesn’t take a fair share of responsibility.
Verbally attacks and humiliates his partner in private or public.
Attacks her vulnerabilities, such as her language abilities,
educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural
beliefs or physical appearance.
Plays mind games, such as when he denies requests he has
made previously or when he undercuts her sense of reality.
Forces her to do degrading things.
Ignores her feelings.
Withholds approval or affection as punishment.
Regularly threatens to leave or tells his partner to leave.
Harasses her about affairs he imagines her to be having.
Stalks her.
Always claims to be right.
Is unfaithful after committing to monogamy.


ECONOMIC ABUSE

Economic abuse can be indicated when the batterer:

Controls all the money.
Doesn’t let her work outside the home or sabotages her
attempts to work or go to school.
Refuses to work and makes her support the family.
Ruins her credit rating.